Reflection on a Year-Long Journey of Pain and Privilege
In 2019 when I made the decision to take a Gap Year, to join a 7-week Costa Rican volunteer expedition, to intern in a male-dominated industry I knew little to nothing about, and to spend a semester taking classes in a city I had never been to before, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Furthermore, I had not planned on taking a Gap Year and had no support, advice, or resource through which to discover how best to plan this year before college. I had often volunteered within my school and community and had participated in many sustainability service projects, but the Costa Rican experience with Raleigh International was more than I could have ever imagined. I had worked part-time and had done some administrative intern work but none as invested, challenging, or lengthy as my internship experience at the AAPC in Washington, DC was. I had done academic, leadership, sustainable, and professional development programs in past summers — all very different from the Spring Semester Gap Program at American University.
In 2020, without any expectation of a global pandemic, the way I leaped into ideas and activities would soon change. Diving headfirst, eyes closed into the pool of projects I had planned for the year I hit cement at the bottom of that swimming pool — the harsh realization that this year was going to be different, that it was out of my control and that people would suffer across the planet. Hours in front of computer screens for online classes and the scathing damage on my mental health are trivial when compared to the irremediable damage to communities hit hard by the virus globally.
Across all ages and cultures, the pain that the virus inflicted was intense — often only spoken about on a surface level, the pain and suffering was difficult to talk about and was something none of us had experience with. “I’m struggling with depression”… “Oh yeah same I like can’t finish my assignments” …“I’m not taking care of myself and it’s so hard for me to get out of bed” …“We’re so privileged though” …“Yeah I know”. The concept of “Pain is pain” is hard to believe when people across the world are dying, families separated, jobs lost, businesses shut down, travel halted, companies bankrupted and to compare these to the mental health struggles of an already isolated online student is bound to diminish things.
With the exploration of my privilege, I came to learn a lot about how history repeats itself today. In full support of the Black Lives Matter movement, I had to really question and correct myself from years of biased learning and for the lack of recognition of my privilege. I had to be active and anti-racist rather than passive and ‘not racist’ and the process of lining up my beliefs and words with my behavior as an ally was much less about me and much more about my privilege and my potential to help.
The process of looking back on how the past year has played out can be therapeutic, cringe-y, painful, embarrassing, upsetting, funny, tiring, but it is fascinating to ask myself what the previous year taught me and how it prepares me for the coming year. So I ask these questions: How am I different? How will I approach my education and career differently after this year? What are the things that I want and need to let go of? What do I need to forgive myself for? What do I wish I would have done less of? More of?
